You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
