If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk is a universal language darling
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
