today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you inspire me to be a worse person
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
