i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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