I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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