Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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