Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
