Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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