Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
