I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am available for nakedness
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
