I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
