I accidentally burped into my bong.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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