ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
