i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
