Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
