There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
