Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
two words...techno handjob
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
