I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
