Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
