After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
