The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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