You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
