just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
