So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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