we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
