Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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