Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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