I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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