Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
