what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize