my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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