I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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