College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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