The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
