I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
