Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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