Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
