The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ttyl tear gas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
