no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You may now shotgun with the bride
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
