don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
