I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
