I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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