You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
