The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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