i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
