He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
