guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
