um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
