I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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