i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
