Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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