My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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