R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We need to get me chipped asap
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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