Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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