you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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