I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
