I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
