Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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